love, marriage, debate, and decisions....

Alright, apparently i'm now a blogging addict...I'm going to fail out of law school if i dont' manage to get this under control but I digress...

Today is Valentine's day and in the first time since 2004, I've actually been HAPPY on the dark day of doom. I'm still single...no magical secret admirer, but somehow, I'm still happy. Why? Is it because I have friends who truly care about me or parents who love me? My guess..that has a lot to do with it. But also, I've come to the simplest of realizations...I can't take the easy way out in my life...i dont' work like that.

Easy way with regards to what you may ask? Mainly, as has been the center of my non-legal focus over the last few months, in regards to guys. I've been single for a while now (for specific details, look at the above date and do the math:-p) and during most of the time, while either trying to get into law school or focusing on life in general, i've tried to figure out what would make me happy in a relationship. It took roughly two years to figure that part out...I'm a simple girl...only the finest things in life will do.

Seriously though, my biggest thing has been realizing that all I really wanted from a guy is love, respect, and kindness. There are a few other factors that are important but we'll save those for another blog. However, amongst those, the most important is love. I want someone who is going to love me for me...my crazy idiosyncracies and all. Someone who recognizes that I may feel the sudden urge to write an inspirational blog at 1am...someone who realizes that i may go to bed at 10pm for no other reason thaan i want to. Someone who understands the illogical way I work and appreciates as well as respects it anyways. Someone who accepts me...not an idealized version of me that they must sit on a pedestal for idolization.

Ironically enough....up until now, i thought those things were enough. Until this very moment, I really thought that would make me happy...finding a person who has all those things. Then i realized...relationships are more than that. They are a mix between pleasure and pain...sitting in the middle of an abyss of self-imposed misery and lust. Relationships are illogical...they are not meant to be understood and analytically examined as a patient on an examining table. Most interestingly, they are felt as well as explored.

Trust me, i've been in the worldwind romance...they're not all they're cracked up to be and may leave you more traumatized then when you entered. However, that only happens if you forget the important thing...you must be in love with the person and objectively want to be with them.

Some of my friends have been debating lately whether love is even necessary in a long term relationship. They believe that marriage should return to the days of the business transaction simply engaged in for the purpose of reproduction. Under this premise, mutual support is the primary focus of this union.

I find this view problematic for several reasons...the most important of which being this seems strangely close to depriving people of their feelings and boiling down the sacred to a contract. Guess what...i've taken contracts...it gets boring...i suppose in this one you have an offer (will you be my boyfriend/husband)+ acceptance (yes) + consideration (mutual support + the perks of marriage). Somehow I dont' think relationships should be this simple...this quick and dirty...this much of an equation.

Which gets me back to my original story...no taking the easy way out...well, there's someone in my life which would fit the equational version of relationships. He would ultimately support me, has lofty goals, and all around would be a fairly decent selection if we were in the dark ages and i still had a dowry. However, the problem is that unnecessary, illogical element that i find so important, love, aint there. Won't be there...can't be there.

Fine, some people say...they say you can have a successful relationship without it. Really i ask? How can you have a successful relationship if you want to talk to the person but NEVER want them to touch you. I guess that'll make the whole childbearing premise difficult to meet. Who knows...maybe we'll go way back for a blast into the past where I have no choice but to be with someone. But until that dreadful day, I dont' think its worth it. You see...being in a relationship without the butterflies...without the nervous ticks...without the stupid little "i'll do this because i know it will impress you" moves isn't being in a relationship at all. Its being a slave. Its punishing yourself to a lifetime of misery and trying to justify it because you "should be happy". Well, the sky should be blue, it should stop snowing, I should rule the universe (hahah, not), ultimately, should isn't is. And you CANNOT justify or rationalize yourself into being happy unless you truly are. You can't be truly happy in a relationship that you are forcing yourself to want to be in unless you never knew any better. For most of us, we do know the difference and this type of forcing will not work.

Thus, Mr. on paper wonderful will not work...because the only reason i could justify being with him is what the paper says. Don't get me wrong...the paper is impressive...but impressive isnt' good enough. Not to spend a week, month, rest of my life with...and I'm getting old...i have to start thinking like that.

I'm happy today because I know I have friends and family who love me. I have to believe in my heart that God wouldnt' put us here to be merely "on paper happy" with someone while living our spirits and souls deprived of true love. Last time I checked, God created love and the sensation of falling in love...if we werent' supposed to do it, it wouldnt' exist. I have to believe that one day, someone who is "mr. paper happy" will truly make me happy...and that my friends, is the person i should end up with.